Dear Cats,
When I say move, it means go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you underfoot and in the way.
The nice dish with the paw print on it is yours and contains your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything larger than a king sized bed--I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will sleep on the chesterfield to ensure your comfort. Cats actually curl up in ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest possible extent, nor is it a requirement that you sleep draped all over my arms and face. I also happen to know that sticking tails straight out and leaving your tongue hanging out is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to meow, claw, try and turnthe doorknob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door from which I entered. Similarly, I do not require a patrol around the edge of the tub when I bathe, nor is your stepping onto my tummy to nap helpful when I am in the tub. Bubbles are not solid and can not be walked upon. I have been using the bathroom for years--feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is to kiss me and THEN go smell the other cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. On a related note, kiss me BEFORE washing your own butt or drinking from the loo.
Thank you,
Your loving human Mom
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2 comments:
The letter to the cats is ABSOLUTELY Wonderful! I laughed so hard I Cried! Thanks so much for the great commentary!!!
I would say that you could apply vaseline to your elbows, knuckles, anklebones, and knees and use it get colour on arms are legs--it works well on backs and shoulders as well, but is not a good idea for faces or tummies. (The colour wore off around my waist from rubing on my clothes, leaving me with a highly attractive white stripe about my midsection.)
Speaking of furballs--what is the name of your grey kitty?
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