Another half mile

To my great delight I managed another half mile swim last night, this one completed in 35 minutes. My shoulder didn't bother me nearly as much as it had the day before, and although I was fatigued at the end, it was a much less intense fatigue than before. Its a great feeling, and makes me proud of what this body can accomplish, despite the layers of excess fat still piled upon it.

Right now I am at the weight I was at when my ex, Paul, decided I was too fat for his tastes. Its bringing up some emotional baggage as a landmark, but its more of a bittersweet emotion since reaching a weight under 200 pounds has been such a Herculean effort. I felt exceedingly fat then, a feeling helped along by Paul's frequent acerbic barbs about my weight. This time around, while just as heavy, I feel like a much stronger person emotionally, and certainly physically. No, my biceps don't bulge like grapefruits beneath my skin, and my back has its share of dunlop's syndrome (it dunlops over my brassiere strap), but I feel healthy and after a good workout like last night's I even have twinges of athleticism. Its a novel concept for a once waifishly thin women who had terribly low self esteem. That woman was replaced by a morbidly obese woman with not quite a poor a self esteem level, and she in turn, has been replaced by an obese woman with fairly strong self esteem and a generally positive outlook. My message to Paul? Bite me, buddy!

Back in 1998-9 when things with Paul were rapidly headed downhill, I got plenty of grief from him, and precious little support. With support, I'm sure I could have accomplished anything I wanted, however this was obviously not meant to be. Perhaps my current mindset stems from that pain and grief--because it feels as if I've surmounted some large internal obstacles to emerge not unscathed, but much stronger and substantially more resilient. Do I still have moments of self doubt? I most certainly do, but the self loathing that was there for so many years has left, and now instead of adversaries, my body and I are colleagues working together towards the goal of a fit, healthy, strong body. Its a wonderful feeling.